Some say that pain/hurt is the best form of motivation. But how is pain going to motivate you when you don't even hate the person who put you through all this pain. I mean, I do come across moods where I just want to punch you in the face so that you will feel the pain that you put me through. However I know that these sudden bursts of anger don't last and that within a couple minutes I'm back in the same place I was before we decided to end things. I still don't know if I'm angry, hurt or just disappointed in you or myself because I let you in and trusted you with my heart and you hurt me. As cliche as it sounds it's true and its not fair that I feel this way and you are completely fine. Sometimes I feel like a blogger version of Taylor Swift, because I only write when i'm hurt.
Lately I feel like all I do is waste all my energy on getting over someone who broke my heart. And trust me there have been so many who successfully managed to do so, and now I don't know why I thought you'd be any different. 
Sometimes I wonder why I'm so wrapped up in finding that person who would make me feel like all of this is worth it. I don't know why I'm so desperate for love, like somehow finding that person would make me better or happier. The truth is I want to show you that I'm doing okay and by doing that you will feel like you meant nothing to me. But that isn't true, you did mean a lot to me and I care about you so much that it hurts. But at the end of the day I can't help but blame myself for giving you so much power over my emotions. I just want to skip to the part where I feel okay, but experience has taught me otherwise and that I can't just skip to the good parts in life. I realized that instead of blaming you for the situation and having a pity party, I should work on myself and eventually I'll get where I want to get. 
So this year I decided that I'm going to swear off men and work on myself and become the best version of myself. I want to find happiness in being alone and be able to look at myself in the mirror and think I am who I wanted to become. I want to become a strong independent woman who doesn't put up with anyone treating me badly or like I'm something disposable. This won't happen if I keep depending on other people to bring happiness to my life. So I guess pain can be a motivator, because the pain that you put me through made me realize that i can't depend on anyone to be happy and that at the end of the day if you don't respect yourself and let go. At the end of the day if you don't treat yourself with respect then nobody will. 
I hope and pray that one day I will be successful and happy and that I will look back with love and  realize that all this was worth it and that I didn't need help from a "significant other" to become the best version of myself. Maybe when I'm ready someone or even you will walk into my life and even if you or someone else doesn't then its okay. I will still be okay, because I will be fine with or without you. And that is the truth.

RED:

What’s the most terrifying part about being in a relationship or even starting one? I believe the most terrifying part is giving someone the opportunity to see you as who you are, taking off you mask, bringing down your walls and letting the other person to see your raw emotions, insecurities and vulnerabilities. The hardest part is once you've let this person in it gives them the chance to hurt you or break you.  I mean it’s absurd to think that there will be that person who will never hurt you, because the truth is that whoever you let into your life will hurt you. It can be a friend, a lover or even a family member, but you have to decide if they are worth it and if they deserve another chance.

Personally I find it so difficult to let a person in, and I get defensive whenever I feel attacked or if I face a situation I think I will end up getting hurt. I’m so good at building walls and making sure no one walks past them and are able to see the real me, the person I am when all the makeup comes off. I also hate letting people feel that I need them, because experience has taught me that people always leave. But is that true? Or am I just looking for a reason to be unhappy? I mean although a hand full of people has left me broken and hurt, there are so many people in my life that are there for me. These people have been my side despite me pushing them away. So then why do I constantly live in fear of letting people in? Is it because a few relationships have failed, that I convince myself that I don’t need them or is it me trying to protect my feelings because I feel like I can’t go through anything more?

The truth is that we are all scared no matter how successful we are or how much money we have. But the truth is there are people out there who are worth a shot and you should not stop yourself from fighting for them, and you have to give a person a reason to stay, because unlike in the movies, people have to be given a reason to have faith in one another and it has to be a two way street. However if you feel like you are the only one fighting then you have to learn to walk away. Not because the other person is a lost cause, but because we are all just human and there is only so much we can handle, but never end a relationship with a “what if”, because that what if will keep eating you alive. But how do you know when to quit? The truth is some people are harder to give up on than others. There are certain people who come to your life that you would do anything to keep. But does that mean that you have to keep hurting yourself, just to keep them in your life? The simple answer is no. If someone asked me that I would say they aren't worth it. But when it comes to the matters of the heart and you are in love, it’s harder to give up on that person. This doesn't make you a weak person or someone who doesn't know when to quit, it just makes you a person who looks for the best in another person. I want to end with a one of my favorite quotes, that I think is the perfect answer to all the questions I asked on this post, and the quote is;

“Relationships are like glass, sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than trying to hurt yourself putting it back together” –Unknown-

As blunt as this quotes sound, I believe it. There are certain relationships that have been broken beyond repair and trying to put them back together will only hurt you. However, there are also those relationships that are worth saving, and you just have to hope for the best during the tough times. 

middle of the night, and i am trying to study.. I can't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do even. We used to write four page answers for the LL.B. and now we only have to fill 2 pages with law stuff - no case facts; which would have been a reason to rejoice a few months ago~ but now.. I have no idea what to fill the pages with. No case facts means the law is written down in half a page and then I'm stuck. 
Is it ok to sometimes write case facts? what is this new world we have stepped into?? I just want to get out. 
If you read this,
HELP

Results are almost out. The fact that I am calm is worrying. I need to start freaking out.. and brace myself.. and.. just.. but.. I don't want to be pessimistic.. I.. argh. I can't wait till this day is over. I hate the first 30 seconds after getting results, when the mind is still processing it. No matter how it goes. Whether its an extreme high or an extreme low.. I hate extreme emotions, they throw everything off balance, Its a life altering moment, a sharp bend on the road. We spent three years studying for the degree, 8 months in total in the last two semesters, but that little 30 second moment is like a time warp or a 'fixed point' in the space time continuum - if I end up not having the marks I need, and not being able to get into the masters program I want to get into, that will be the moment I think of for the rest of eternity.

OR even if things go according to plan, I will look back on that moment and think of how happy I was and wish I could go back. Not nostalgia. Just, sadness that my 'big moments in life' are being spent and soon I will be all run out. 

Does that make any sense? 

I remember our first date like it was yesterday. Well not yesterday. Maybe like a month ago. You wore a red t-shirt that had something in black written on it and you wore it with multi colored Billabong shorts. And we went to Mc Donald’s. No one knew that you and I went on this date and you slowly held my hand. We both ordered a chicken Mc deluxe, regular, mine was coke with ice and yours was a sprite without ice. I didn't finish eating my burger because it was messy and I didn't want to come across as greedy. I wish I could go back to that date. The 16th September 2011. Then the next day we went for our first movie Johnny English 2. We went with your friends. But we sat separately. I still remember feeling your arm and saying it’s very skinny. The next day you and I went clubbing together. We both dressed in black and that was when we first kissed. It was the best feeling on earth. Nothing else or no one else mattered at that moment.  We kept meeting in the roof top after that. That’s where you told me that you will only date me for a year and no more than that because you didn’t want to be tied down to me or any woman. Another time I remember you didn't want to hold hands with me because you didn't want to get married to me, I didn't understand how holding hands would lead to marriage. Maybe I should have known, I should have should have seen the signs. But things changed. One year became two years you told me you wanted me to be the one. Remember we planned to have 3 children (a boy, a girl and then another boy) and a dog, because I hate cats. 
I don’t remember what I wore on our first date. Maybe the truth is I didn't care about myself and it was all about you, I was insignificant and what mattered was you. You hardly came to meet me because you preferred to play games with your friends. But I didn’t mind spending time alone. I enjoy solidarity. But now that I am alone, I don’t know anymore. Was it me or was it you, maybe it was the both of us and maybe it didn’t work out because we were extremely different people. We didn’t have the same views on anything. I like to think I am opened minded. Then again I like to think a lot of things

So today I woke up early. AGAIN!! And I can't help but think of you. I cant help it. It just happens that you are the first thought that comes to my head in the morning, which I don't mind. But the thoughts that follow after makes me cringe. Thoughts like, I will no longer be the girl you take home, or message/ call me when something good or bad happens in your life nor will I be  the girl that you think about morning noon and night. I know this might be sounding like a sob story and you might even say that I need to get a life. But how do i move on. This is not my first heart break, but it does feel like it. I've been through worse. But nothing can compare to the pain I'm feeling now. They say it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the person. So does this mean that I'm going to feel this way for one and half years. Then why r u ok. The thing is, you broke up with me knowing you won't have to see me for a month. Knowing that I'll be at home and you'll be in another country having a ball. I agree, I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. But I love you and I tried. I don't blame you for falling for someone else. But how could she do thos to me. She knew me, she knew us. You don't call me or text me anymore. But why do I still miss you, when you clearly don't. And why do i still feel like we can work things out? I dreamt about you again. But in my dreams despite us being together, I no longer trust you, therefore it doesn't work out. So does this mean deep down I'm accepting the truth that we  will never b together?

- Red

Red:  I liked to think that I was a strong girl who could have survived without you or any man. My main goal in life was never to get married and have children. It was to grow up be successful, rich and happy. But that was before I fell in love with you. For some reason I let go of whom I was and became what you wanted me to become. And I agree I was happy. I opened up to you, told you my worst fears and all these silly ideas that came to my head. But 3 years down the line you let go of me and you moved on like it meant nothing to you. I mean how did you move on from a three year relationship in just 3 days? I guess it was a day for each year you spent with me. I thought what you and I had was a forever kinda thing. So I kept telling myself when things ended that it must have been my fault. So I tried becoming the girl you wanted me to be and when that wasn’t enough I begged and cried asking you to take me back. And the funny part was this was not how I normally am. If it was someone, I would tell them that whoever made you feel this insignificant and unloved isn’t worth your time to begin with and how you deserve so much more. But why can’t I tell myself that? Why do I cry every night? Why am I so hurt? Why do I still want you back? I mean you did start liking another girl in just 3 days after you dumped me. Like I said a day for every year right? The truth is now I hate you, but I don’t ever want you to go through what I’m going through, so I guess I still love you. But why? Why can’t heart break, break evenly? Why do I have to be the unhappy one when you are fine and falling in love with someone else as we speak?  Well I guess I loved you more than you loved me. But I don’t believe that. I still feel like you care and that you still love me. Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m right, but I can’t keep holding onto you thinking you’re going to come back to me. But how do I move on from you?